first post for 2014

just one of those days when sleep refuses be there, its over 3am, birds have started their morning calls, more like their morning chirp and dogs their barking..silly me  thinking of haiku and wondering what had happened to me over this 9 months gap…, all i know is i have been busy busy, busy! found a job, moved out of the country, found a place and spends my weekends on sleep and junk food. might have added on few extra pounds. i don’t know how much, since its been 7 months since i last stepped on a scale. thinking regularly of doing this and that but not been successful in translating them into actions (no kinetic energy, only static), hope i am getting my scientific reference correct, even if i am not, i am going to look them up later and amend where necessary…, so i am going to go now, and maybe try to blog more in the future…

signing off…3;34am…, will try to doze off, have to prepare for the upcoming monday blues….

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bye 2013

I find myself looking back at the year that has gone by and can’t help getting sentimental about it. I will have to borrow Dickens’s immortal lines to sum up the year 2013 for me, 2013 for me was the best of times and also the worst of times.  Jobless and broke to the length at which even the word “broke” was put to shame, I continued feeding on the generosity of my family which was never ending by the way. I realize that in a place like Thimphu,  a dog eat dog world, I was able to survive and conduct myself with dignity because I had that amazing support system in my family, who never let me feel like I was out here alone. Owing to that, I was able to keep on trying, trying, trying and will continue doing just that. It was also the best of times because I made wonderful friends in the process of exploring myself,   went to places that I have never thought about before, Going to Singye dzong  and experiencing that spiritual high deserves a special mention, that glow in my heart will only brighten as wrinkles starts appearing on my face. To those, who give much importance to material achievement, I am just another fool who had potential but wasted away owing to my ego. For I am sure there are many, I have often felt their pity, smirk and judgmental gaze on me. But I walk tall, for I have achieved so much in terms of personal growth. I have learned to laugh at myself, I’m somewhat more free now than I ever was. I realize I had a wonderful 2013, and I have so many people to be thankful for. I approach 2014 with an open mind, if life means enduring, I am sure there are lots in store for me. 

Loneliness

So I am stupid, I overdo it

Funny me! Oh…Funny me…!

I realize

It will make me cry

It will break my heart

Yet, Loneliness will not be a problem for me

I will write about it

I will sing about it.

I will talk about it

But I will bear it

I will not look for you

I cannot let loneliness to be a problem for me

I will handle it….I can handle it….:D

 

Seeking solace! Only in you…

Oh! Dear guru… I will dedicate all my merits to those who leads me to you..

Love has funny ways of showing up….

With no sense of time, wouldn’t take orders..

Oh! Dear guru… Rescue me from these wretched feelings…

Only you can….

I could drink thousand barrels of wine….

Still I cannot drink these feelings away…

Is this your doing? Teaching me these lessons…

Never to trust too much nor too little

But where do I go from here…

What do I be from this..

Unseen pains…

Unrelenting tears…

Bodhichita- my version

I am reading “Not for happiness” by DJKR and I have reached the chapter that explains of “Bodhichita”, well, last night, I must have briefly dozed off while reading this book, I woke up from a hilarious dream that had be cracking up into pieces at 12;15am (Thanks for the understanding family..Probably they thought I was sleep laughing again)…

In my dream, I was visiting my friend Nidup, only to realize that she had invited all her other friends some of whom I barely know. Nidup tells me, we are all gathered to make momo at her place as that’s how she likes to catch up with friends, she tells me, I should be okay since I have done this before with the same group of people. As I realize that I have done that once, I begin to feel vaguely uncomfortable and decides to leave. So I send Nidup, sitting right next to me an “SMS” saying I suddenly remember that I have an errand to run for my mother and how sorry I feel to leave this very fun gathering.  As I was leaving, Nidup’s 8years old nephew and his friend appears from nowhere and decides to hit me randomly for no particular reason…! These boys were being boys I think, no amount of me saying I am telling on you to your aunt would stop them. Their punches were getting heavier, not like punches from kids at all, it was beginning to hurt a little and I was beginning to get angry a little.  Calling out to Nidup for help fell on a deaf ear, Nidup either pretended not hear me or maybe she meant to take “catch up with friends to a whole new level”, there was not even a half hearted attempt to stop her nephew. There I was miserably getting beaten up by two 8 years old, knowing that I could hit them also but it would be wrong to react to kid with violent expression, forget hitting them back. Suddenly I think of a plan,  I decide to tell this two badass kids that we would be playing some game where they are to be bad guys getting beaten up by good guy (Me)…I realize, that is the only way I could hit back or make them stop without making them cry..:D and also in that way, I won’t be looking silly in front of  others who have pretended to be so busy making momo/catching up and ignored me getting beaten up completely, like its non-existing.  But before I could really apply my plans…I woke up…! Phew…

Anyway, I realize that I could relate this, my dream to the chapter I was reading. The book says that if we do not have bodhichita empowerment, we can contemplate on it and that it can be counted as practice as well. I thought about my dream and I feel practicing act of Bodhichita is like letting oneself get badly beaten up by two 8 years olds, even though you are fully aware of your strength to beat them both into pulps any minute…lol.. I feel that my restraint came from the wisdom that these two were mere children and compassion that children really don’t know things…hahaha. I feel, one should probably look at the world with similar attitude. i felt that my waking up before I could beat them up is like enlightenment…in waking up, I see the truth that it was just a dream, does not matter how real it looked to be when I was really getting beaten up…lol…..so here is my prayer…I really did made this up like right now, May I continue to see reasons for the benefit of others, may I encourage others to see it too…. (anyway, this is my silly approach to dharma…..You can laugh your  silly ass out, or decide to give me ur interpretation of my dream..i am really not just saying it okay..:D)

the one who is left behind…

“I heard Billy bought a dog and named it after me, it’s because according to him, he loved me and I couldn’t love him back. Whenever, he was happy, Billy hugged it, whenever he was angry, Billy fed the dog crappy food and kick it out the door… and when it rained, darling! When it rained! Billy locked the dog out; there it used to stand at the door making that whistling sound dogs make when they are sad or wanted something. It was such a sight, the kind that reaches into your heart, the kind that makes your breath heavy and eyes watery, Such a sight!” Teary eyed, makes an attempt to swallow that lump in her throat, I gently push the water glass towards her, she takes a sip, and gently puts it down and she continues,  “All these things Billy imagined he was doing it to me because he couldn’t do it to me. And One day the dog died and Billy was heart broken. he would purposely lock himself out whenever it rained, and sometimes when he had a little too much, we used to hear him calling out the dog.  A year later Billy died, probably out of loneliness.  Somehow I feel responsible for the death of both”. After a long pause, she starts again, “you know I see them sometimes, usually towards the evening, usually when it rains, I see them walking down the lane, Billy wearing that hat of his and the dog dutifully following him wagging its tails in an excited manner, and it’s not a sad sight at all, it’s as if they finally found their happiness in the world unstained by my presence…”

as thought out in my head..lol..:D

feelings

i felt the fear of that child holding his mother’s hand,

I felt the loneliness the mother felt,

I felt nostalgia of the old man crying by the cliff,

i felt the accusing gaze on me, i felt the sadness of people around me

i felt myself welling up, i found it difficult to breath.. of all these emotions…

i felt yours the most…i surrender my strength, my dream, my wish all to you..they might be a little help to you…!